This week the lectionary put us in John 20:19-31. This is the story of the risen Jesus' appearance to the disciples on the evening of the resurrection and again 8 days later with Thomas present.
You remember Thomas - the one with doubts. He is the one that I've always thought of as a deeply "in your head" kind of guy - needing evidence before he will believe that Jesus is alive. But as I hung out with this scripture passage this week, I began to wonder about my assumptions. Hear me out on this idea and see what you think…
You may remember Thomas was not present with the other disciples when Jesus appeared and showed the group - the rest of them - his nail scarred hands and feet, and his wounded side.
So Thomas returns later, and the disciples excitedly tell him, “We have seen the Lord!” I imagine something like this: "We saw him, his nail printed hands and hole in his side! He's alive, Thomas! Isn't it great?”
Thomas, however, responds to their enthusiasm by refusing to believe their story unless he gets to see - what? Why the very same things the disciples saw: hands and feet and hole in Jesus' side.
Really? Was he really that doubtful? Did he think they made this up? After all, all ten of them were telling him this. It makes me wonder if perhaps there was something other than intellectual doubt at work here…
Maybe, just maybe, he was miffed, actually hurt, that Jesus showed up at a time when he, Thomas, was not there. We don’t know why he wasn’t there – perhaps he was out picking up lunch at the local BBQ for them, or some other errand – but he is left out of this miraculous event… He is now Thomas, the one who hasn't seen the resurrected Christ.
I mean, Jesus could have come when they were all there. Thomas is human. I can hear him wondering just under his breath: "Why did he leave me out? Why am I excluded? Now it is just me and Judas, the betrayer, who haven’t seen the risen Christ!"
I think you see where I’m going with this. Perhaps his “doubting” was really this: “Jesus I need to know you care about me! I need to know that I have not been rejected for some sin I'm maybe not even aware of!”
When Jesus shows up, I can’t help but think that what Thomas was more concerned about than seeing the evidence of palms and feet and side, was the personal attention he received in answer to his real need: to know he was loved and accepted by Jesus. After all, his response isn't: "ah, now I see!" but rather "My Lord and my God!"
I wonder if we too sometimes don’t experience this kind of hurt, a smarting sense of being left out - You know, we pray and pray for something very dear to us – perhaps a child who is wayward; a grandchild who is ill; a spouse who is abusive so we live in fear; a job or boss that is unbearable, financial difficulties that just don't seem to ever resolve.
We pray and pray and pray – and nothing seems to change. And we hear about answers to other peoples’ prayers, answers that seem so perfect - so we pray harder and grind in our anger – saying almost, "Unless I see the evidence that God cares about me in this way that I expect…...."
But friends, we can be assured, God is there. Perhaps not moving in the way we think best – but always with our best at heart. Like Thomas and the Psalmist, we can cry out to God – (Ps. 6:4+, 10:1; 13:1ff) - honestly expressing our pain and even demands – and count on the fact that God will meet us… right there. The answers we get may not be as important as the realization that God is with us... and will always make a way, even where there seems to be no way.
A number of years ago Twila Paris had a song that included a line something like this: "When you cannot see God’s hand, trust God’s heart." This is our hope – and the experience of our faith – Our God of unfailing, steadfast, enduring love and compassion will meet us where we are. And we are left not with evidence - but with the relationship and presence that melts our hearts and meets our needs in unimaginable ways.
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